10.08.2025

Friendship, souvenirs, and a raccoon’s guide to home improvement.

A few years ago, a friend of mine went on vacation. When they returned, they told me they had bought souvenirs for all their friends; however, they didn’t buy me anything because, in their words, “You already have everything.”

I was caught off guard by their comment and didn’t know how to respond, so I said nothing. But the more I thought about it, the more it made me question our friendship—or what I had assumed was a friendship. What would make them think I expected them to buy me anything? And what was the point of telling me I was getting nothing? More importantly, though, I wondered: What exactly is “everything”? And how do they know I have it?

Then it hit me. They must be referring to my extensive collection of Allen wrenches.

I do, in fact, own many, many Allen wrenches. I have more wrenches than just about anyone I know whose livelihood involves a toolbox and an F-150 pickup truck. (For the record, I have a toolbox, too, so maybe I really do have everything.)

The collection began more than a decade ago, after I divorced and moved into my condo. Little by little, I rebuilt my life—literally and figuratively. The figurative part took some time. The literal rebuilding started immediately: a bookcase, a shelving unit, a computer chair, a table lamp, a bench - you get the idea. And each item came with an Allen wrench and the kind of instructions that make you question your literacy, your eyesight, and your will to live.

Over time, though, I mastered the technique: Is it a tight space? Use the short end. Do you have room to maneuver? Use the long end. Need leverage? Flip it around and press down as hard as you can or until the wrench leaves an imprint in the palm of your hand. Who knew furniture assembly could expand your engineering skills as well as add so much color to your vocabulary?

I can now put small furniture together without breaking a sweat. The REAL test of endurance is opening the packaging. Today, I assembled a step stool in under 60 seconds, but it took me 10 minutes to liberate it from its box. At one point I was prying staples out of the cardboard like a raccoon breaking into a garbage can.

Anyway, if you’re going on a vacation and thinking about bringing back a souvenir, please—no Allen wrenches.

But I’m in the process of repainting a loft, so if you happen to find a good paint roller, please keep me in mind.

"It’s Nice to Go Trav’ling" (1957), written by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen, performed by Frank Sinatra.