11.05.2025

The season for family gatherings is approaching quickly. For some, it’s a time of joyful anticipation — for others, maybe not so much.

If you’re the former, and you're already counting down the days until you can make your signature side dish and bask in the glow of family traditions — this post may not be for you. This is for those who view family gatherings as one step above dental surgery without Novocain.

Between Hallmark movies, Home Alone reruns, sentimental commercials, and our own inflated expectations, it’s easy to feel like a failure when your get-togethers don’t resemble a Norman Rockwell painting.

After all, how hard can it be to show up with a green bean casserole and keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself?

But take heart, my friends. A Dysfunctional Family (DF) is nothing new. In fact, in the Euro-centric world, we come from a long, illustrious line of DFs — starting with the Greek gods and goddesses themselves.

Sure, they had superpowers, but common decency wasn’t one of them. Zeus couldn’t stay faithful for more than five minutes. His sister-wife Hera punished the women he r*aped instead of unleashing her wrath on him. His daughter Athena feuded endlessly with her uncle Poseidon (whose romantic escapades eventually led to Medusa’s beheading), and the goddesses were so competitive they sparked a beauty contest that launched a ten-year Trojan War.

They may have lived on Mount Olympus and feasted on ambrosia, but they spent their days plotting and scheming against each other with no regard for the consequences.

And divine drama wasn’t exclusive to Olympus. Even the Holy Family had its quirks. Joseph was technically Jesus’ stepfather — but do we ever hear about his side of the family? Did Jesus have cousins? And if so, did they get together for the holidays, or was it just a lifetime of silent nights with Joseph’s relatives?

Then there were the Tudors. If you happened to be a woman at court and caught the eye of Henry VIII, there was a very real chance you wouldn’t live to see more than two or three Christmases in a row — especially if your gift to His Royal Highness wasn’t a male heir. Talk about having the sword of Damocles hanging over your head.

Fast-forward to modern times, and even the royals can’t escape it. According to recent reports, Andrew may be spending this holiday season solo, and there’s no word if — or when — Harry and Meghan will ever be invited to Sandringham for the holidays. Just a reminder that titles and tiaras don’t guarantee a seat at the grown-up table.

So if you’ve decided to opt out — choosing solitude over obligation — don’t feel bad. Think of it as self-preservation. Better to sip a chai latte in peace than be the token guest at someone else’s family feast.

And for those bravely attending your family’s annual gathering — you have my respect and support. Just think of yourself as the Mother of the Groom: your job is to show up, shut up, wear beige, and bring whatever you’re told to bring — or not bring.

Remember: Hades and Persephone weren’t fond of ambrosia either — but when in Rome (or in this case, Olympus), they learned how to fake a smile and ask for seconds.